50 Shades of Grey movie review rant… Because Grey is boring

My wife dragged me to the movies to watch the big screen adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey. I wasn't expecting much beforehand but thought it might at least be bearable. It wasn't.

50 Shades of Grey Review
Source: 50 Shades of Grey promotional image

Gray is a boring colour, it is dull and uninspiring. Thats quite a fitting description for the 50 Shades of Grey movie actually.

Whilst watching it, I experienced 50 shades of negative emotions ranging from boredom and tiredness, through to physical sickness and anger.

I will never understand the phenomenon behind the 50 Shades of Grey franchise. As a guy, if I was to flick through a copy of Playboy or Hustler magazine on a bus whilst dribbling slightly from the corner of my mouth, people would probably avoid me. However, it is quite alright for women everywhere to get pant-wettingly excited over the sexual exploits of Mr Grey, whilst they are sitting in a doctors waiting room trying not to moan out loud.

The book was successful, thanks in no small part to the sexual fantasies of bored housewives. That automatically means that the movie will be an easy cash-in due to all the hype surrounding it.

Amazingly, this socially-acceptable pornography was showing at my local cinema and not at one of those smutty “theatres” you find in the red light district which which require you to bathe in hand sanitiser after you leave (not that I’ve ever been to one but I’ve walked past a few!), so I got dragged along to a screening.

Review of 50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey MemeLets be honest here. If you take away all of the smut, the 50 Shades of Grey book was boring as fuck, terribly written and stupid.

It reminded me of that episode of friends where Joey uses a Thesaurus to write an adoption recommendation letter for Chandler and Monica, because I’m sure E.L. James did the same thing to try and sound smart whilst writing the book.

Admittedly I haven’t read the entire thing myself, however the few chapters I did read, alongside a review from my wife (who gave up halfway through) told me all I need to know.

Now, to the movie. In short, a boring (but rich) boy meets girl, boring boy likes girl, boring boy turns out to be a demented sex freak.

It’s also a complete bore. Even the banter is boring thanks in no small part to the fact that Christian doesn’t have a trace of a sense of humour. All girls enjoy a sense of humour, it’s a fact. If it wasn’t a fact I wouldn’t currently be married to a girl who is way out of my league!

But despite having the personality of a block of wood and the sense of humour of a terrorist, Christian does have a lot of money and a really nice office, so you know… stuff.

The movie has a completely shite storyline, a lack of anything remotely interesting that happens, then to top it off there is plenty of awkward and cheesy acting. In fact, the only saving grace for this movie is the pretty cinematography and a decent soundtrack.

It isn’t even romantic; The Notebook is romantic, Gone With The Wind is romantic, even rap music is romantic in comparison. 50 Shades of Grey is just a crap movie about a girls weird sexual/borderline rapey BDSM relationship with a rich guy who essentially buys her. Throughout the movie he stalks her, beats her, he intimidates her, he has non-consensual sex with her. It isn’t a movie about love, it’s more like a movie about domestic violence dressed up as erotica.

The bland supporting actors suddenly disappear halfway through the film. Not that they’re missed because by halfway through you’ve given up trying to follow the storyline and instead your mind switches to figuring out whether you’ll be able to get your money back with an extra interest payment for your wasted time.

To sum up, the movie is tiresome, banal and has a thinly veiled plot worse than a porno. Actually, I’ve watched many porn movies with a better storyline, plus the sex is better. So go and watch some porn instead.

Some other stuff about 50 Shades of Grey

I’m so bored of even thinking about this movie for a moment longer than I have to that I’m just going to bullet point the rest.

  • Give up with the cheesy dialogue Christian, you sound like a cock.
  • Do girls really enjoy being tied up and abused by a rich, perverted man?
  • This movie is extremely degrading to woman.
  • Christian Grey is a sadistic piece of shit.
  • Apparently borderline rape is acceptable these days?
  • Christian casually drops into conversation, “I don’t make love, I fuck hard”.
  • How many times can one person bite their lip in a movie? Give it a rest.
  • When the audience lets out an audible groan (not the good kind) you know the movie is trying too hard.
  • Actors don’t need any hint of chemistry to be cast in a movie.
  • I thought sex was supposed to be enjoyable?
  • The thought of what was going through some peoples heads whilst watching is disturbing. Don’t make eye contact when you leave the cinema.

A nice neat conclusion, unlike the 50 Shades of Grey movie

There are many things in the world that are insanely popular but many of us struggle to understand why. The popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey franchise is one of those things. Its like the movie equivalent of a Nicki Minaj song.

If I was going to give 50 Shades of Grey a review score out of 5 stars I’d give it 1 star. I’d then take that star and shove it sideways up Christian Grey’s ass in way that would be frowned upon in any other situation, but because its a movie about a BDSM book that people loved, would be completely OK. 

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

5 COMMENTS

  1. Finally, someone with a common sense. Thank u for this article. I was so furios to having waste my time to watch this stupid n overrated film/ story. No content, very boring plot n seriously people are actually anticipated for this? As a woman, i feel totally unattracted to any of the sexual elements from the movie. I just dont understand what is the fuss? Wake up ladies..

  2. I enjoyed reading your very informative article content. It seems we think a lot alike. I am very impressed with your well-written and funny writing style. You must truly enjoy being a writer.

  3. Exactly as I expected. This isn’t a BDSM story, it’s an abuse story. I was trying to read it so I could write about how horrible it was to women, and got about 150 pages in before I couldn’t take it anymore and had to stop.

    Also, did you know the main character is supposed to be an English major? Pretty daring of E.L. James to star an English major in the WORST WRITTEN BOOK OF ALL TIME.

    I’m just saying.

    • Thats actually hilarious considering how poorly written the book is. After reading it my wife told me that it was poorly written and she could have done a better job herself…. and she is an accountant who rocks with numbers but in comparison isn’t too great at writing!!

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