How to settle an argument

After everything that happened in Canberra during the week, here are some better and more entertaining ways to resolve political arguments.

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The other day I gave you an overview of how completely stupid the Australian political system is. In short, they are a load of adults who argue about every single thing like little children. It might be OK if it was entertaining to watch, but it isn’t in the slightest. Instead its uninspiring, whiny and pathetic.

Politicians in Australia are like angry, passive-aggressive schoolkids, constantly arguing and bickering over every single little thing. Instead of picking their battles and arguing over important things, they straight up dispute everything, not because they necessarily disagree but because that’s what they feel like they have to do as the opposition. As a member of the public it’s tiring to watch.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was at least entertaining to watch, so here are some better and far more entertaining ways to settle a political dispute, or any argument for that matter.

How politicians should settle an argument

Next time politicians get into a major dispute and something has to be settled, I put forward the following solutions.

Tony Abbott

Rock paper scissors

It worked when we were kids and politicians act like kids so this might just be the best way to solve a dispute. Best of five and no do-overs. Or we could take it to the next level and they could actually fight with the choice of a rock, paper or scissors. Judging by some of the decisions that come out of Canberra though, it wouldn’t surprise me if some chose paper as a weapon whilst being lunged at by a crazy backbencher brandishing a pair of scissors.

Thumb war

Lets get more physical with a thumb war. This simple game is an excellent modern alternative to traditional duelling as there is no bloodshed. Although considering the people playing, the Australian public may demand bloodshed.

Cage fight

Who wouldn’t want to see Tony Abbott enter into a cage fight with Malcolm Turnbull in a blood-soaked physical confrontation over the leadership of the Australian Liberal Party. Plus whoever wins would be well positioned to step into the ring with Vladimir Putin at a future date. Plus I can just imagine other politicians in Canberra cheering them on “GRAB HIS EARS MALCOLM!”

Jenga

As you pull out one Jenga brick at a time and hope that everything doesn’t collapse around you; playing Jenga is the board game equivalent of playing politics. A game of Jenga might therefore be the most appropriate way to settle a dispute.

Staring contest

It’s a test of mental stamina and pure determination to win, which makes it a perfect way to settle a leadership dispute. If staring contests were implemented, Julie Bishop would win any argument with anybody thanks to her death stare as she proved here.

Pun-off

Australian politicians greatly underestimate the need to have a personality and sense of humour. As a politician you need to be quick at thinking on your feet. To win a pun-off you would need to be skilled in both of these areas and therefore win the hearts of the Australian public through your quick wit and snarky put-downs.

Tequlia slam-off

Australia has a reputation as a culture of heavy drinkers. At one point our Prime Minister even held a World Record for drinking beer. That makes alcohol the perfect solution to settle a dispute. They have to go shot for shot and the first person to fall off their stool is the loser. We could go all out and install a bar in Parliament House, I’m sure that’s an expense that the taxpayers would be happy to front up for.

Draw straws

Alright so it’s not actually a challenge like the others suggestions on this list, but drawing straws has been used in politics before, check out this video of politicians drawing straws to decide the winner of a council election in England. While the winner meekly holds the winning straw in the air, the crowd goes batshit crazy.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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