You’re not a celebrity… get out of my television

I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is the latest in a long line of crap reality TV shows in Australia to feature people which the media tells us are famous. It is painful to watch, but even more painful is the use of the word 'celebrity' in the title.

I’ve heard about the British version of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here for a while now. It never really raised much interest from me. Now though, there is an Australian version and it’s painful, like really painful.

The biggest piss take of it all is that the show has the word celebrity in the title. You cant just claim you’re a celebrity and you suddenly become one. That’s like me saying “I’m a carrot“, and expecting to become a vegetable.

Lets take a look at the truly fascinating lineup for the first (and hopefully the last) season of the Australian version.

  • Merv Hughes – Ex cricket player who, since his career  ended almost a hundred years ago, has been more famous for his mustache than anything else.
  • Chrissie Swan – Ex Big Brother contestant from a decade ago who somehow established a career in radio because radio executives no longer value talent.
  • Leisel Jones – Uninteresting ex-swimmer who continues to prove that to be a TV host in this country you need to have swam for Australia in the past.
  • Joel Creasey – Apparently he’s a comedian but I’ve never heard of him nor seen him anywhere before, although his bio says he’s kind of a big deal.
  • Barry Hall – Another ex sports star and AFL legend who retired many years ago after becoming famous for kicking a ball and punching people.
  • Andrew Daddo – Veteran TV host and possibly the most famous person in the jungle.
  • Laura Dundovic – Model and random person who sometimes appears on TV because she is pretty.
  • Maureen McCormaick – Randomly this is the American actress who played Marcia Brady in The Brady Bunch 6000 years ago. Apparently she is the big drawcard for the show.
  • Tyson Mayr – Another person I’ve never heard of but his bio says he’s a professional model and professional traveller.
  • Lauren Brandt – Member of kids band Hi 5 , who also looks good in a bikini.
  • Julie Goodwin – Ex Masterchef contestant and serial reality TV show contestant who’s not really famous for not being famous.

How the hell do they expect these people to be entertaining?

Imagine the equally atrocious Big Brother, but instead of a load of people hungry to get famous for doing nothing, sitting round a house all day moaning and swearing. This show features a load of people who used to be somewhat famous, sitting around in a jungle all day, moaning, swearing and eating bugs.

Even just seeing the adverts makes me angry. Although thats partially to do with the show, but more to do with the fact that they are drilled into your brain during every single ad break and then watermarked at the bottom of every other show just in case you missed the ads.

celebrity memeGuess what? Saturating the shit out of a crap show for months in a desperate attempt to brainwash people into watching it won’t make this steaming pile of jungle piss any better. It just makes people more annoyed.

To round it all out, the Australian version of the show was hosted by Julia Morris, an unfunny comedian, and Dr Chris Brown, a vet who hosted a segment on a home living show then somehow started presenting other shows about animals because of his square jaw and uncanny resemblance to the guy on Bonds underwear packaging.

The worst part is how they are all continually trying to be entertaining, or funny, or whatever they call drawing attention to yourself in the most pathetic ways you can. After a mere 5 minutes of viewing I had to turn it off because it truly was awful.

Let it go

That brings me to the point of this rant.

There used to be a time when, as a celebrity approached the end of their ‘time in the limelight,’ they’d bow out with dignity. These days they clutch at straws in a desperate attempt to keep their already dead careers afloat through a mixture of plastic surgery, paperazzi moments and appearing on terrible reality shows.

Cheap to make, throwaway TV shows like this are appearing more and more, in place of actual, decent programming.

They should rename it “I used to be kinda famous but nobody remembers me so I’m going on this shitty TV show as a last ditch attempt to revive some sort of career opening shops in rural towns… Get me out of here”

Aside from the occasional breakout star, the only people on Australian TV and radio these days seem to have either been around for 30 years thus are part of the furniture, or they’re an ex swimmer, model, or reality TV dropout. Where did all the real talent go?

People are constantly complaining about the state of the Australian TV industry, but so long as the people in charge continue to focus on putting washed up “famous people” on crap shows like this, instead of focusing on nurturing new talent and creating quality television, it’s not going to change.

The last true Australian celebrities who got to where they are because of their talent and not because they were ex sportspeople or reality TV contestants must have been Hamish and Andy, and they rose to fame over 15 years ago.

I understand that it’s cheap to make this shit, but you don’t get something out of nothing. Put some effort in and reap the rewards because I can tell you for a fact, commercial TV is dying and services like Netflix are giving people what they want.

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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