From the impatient to the downright dangerous, Adelaide drivers are pretty bad.
Whether it’s an impatient dickbag weaving in and out of traffic or grandma chugging along in the fast lane at 20kph below the speed limit, they are equally frustrating.
Merging should be a simple task. Most people understand that if two cars are trying to enter the same lane, enabling this to happen requires both vehicles to be travelling at the same speed, with a slight adjustment in speed to find the gap.
Adelaide drivers, however, are under the belief that the lane in which they are travelling is something that is possessed and owned by them alone. Any attempt to annex any of their lane’s precious, precious real estate must be prevented and blocked with the aggression of a jealous partner.
This can make the process of merging difficult, however, when you then add the inability of those drivers trying to merge onto the road into the equation, things just get out of hand and the roads turn to gridlock.
Here are 10 simple steps you need to follow in order to merge into traffic like a proper Adelaide driver
1. Drive to the start of merging lane
The start of the merging lane is where it all begins. As soon as you enter a merging lane, your brain ceases to function and you instantly lose the ability to think like an intelligent human being.
2. Forget how to drive a car
Due to the complete fear that emerges when you realise that you now need to merge your car into the lane of traffic, the brain loses its ability to multitask and you forget how to actually drive a car.
3. Come to a complete stop
Unable to comprehend mental anguish caused by forgetting how to drive your car whilst suddenly being surrounded by other cars travelling at high speed, you should come to an immediate squealing stop at the start of the merging lane.
Whilst you are now happy and comfortable that you won’t crash, unfortunately this dick move forces everybody behind you to stop as well and will completely fuck up the flow of traffic for the foreseeable future.
4. Wait until a gap appears
Gaps… gaps are good. You should pull into the gap.
5. Miss the gap because you weren’t looking
Being the good Adelaide driver that you are, you’ve briefly forgotten where you are and what you are doing. This has caused you to completely miss the gap in traffic and instead of moving into it, your foot remains on the brake pedal. Well shit.
6. Pull onto freeway at any random time you want with complete disregard for other vehicles
Suddenly you come to the realisation that you are holding everybody else up because you don’t understand that the secret to merging into traffic is to be driving at the same speed as the vehicles in the lane you are trying to enter. The moment you realise this, you should plant your foot down to the floor and immediately pull out into the traffic. Remember to turn your indicator on at the last possible moment.
7. Beep your horn a few times
Of course you need to beep your horn; everybody else is now in your way because you have suddenly decided that you want to move. Preferably, beeping your horn should be accompanied by the extension of your middle finger and some abruptly yelled expletives.
8. Pull across into second lane
Why settle on fucking up the flow of the merging lane and the first lane? Pull over into the second lane of traffic at your earliest convenience.
This is a standard manoeuvre for your typical Adelaide driver. Of course, if you are going to crash, you should aim to do so at the most inconvenient time possible and on a main road so that you can affect as many other road users as possible. Preferred crash times are between 7-9am and 4-6pm and should be on a main road.
10. Blame everyone else
Of course it’s everybody else’s fault that you’re such a shit driver… you are from Adelaide.