I’m not buying into your shitty pyramid scheme

The internet is full of incredible life changing business opportunities such as selling anti-ageing berries that will make you live for 200 years, selling comic book muscle building supplements and selling diet pills made from the dried foreskin of mythical mountain goats... welcome to the world of pyramid schemes.

Pyramid scheme rant

Isn’t great when you get a random unexpected phone call from an old friend, somebody you haven’t heard from for years? Well it used to be great, not so much any more.

You see, these days, when somebody from your past hits you up to ‘reconnect’ you can almost guarantee that the only reason they want to do so is to push some get rich quick scammy ‘business opportunity’ onto you.

Lets catch up to discuss this in person

“Hey man, hows it all going, I haven’t seen you for ages. Anyway I was just checking whether you would be interested in making some money? Lets catch up for a coffee soon.”

They always want to catch up for a coffee because their exciting offer is too super-psycho-insane for them to physically type out on a computer screen or something like that. The reality is that they want you there in person because the can do their best conning face to face just like those asshole charity muggers at the mall.

Thats right, they don’t just want to sell you the product but they actually want you to become a part of this incredible opportunity by joining the business. Well fuck me with an Acai berry!

Earn $20,000 in just a few hours by doing nothing more than selling your soul, pissing of all your friends and family and becoming a raving lunatic flogging worthless bull seamen berry juice for people to rub on their faces under the belief that it will halt the ageing process.

You know what, I don’t want to buy your shit, and I definitely don’t want to buy into your pyramid scheme business opportunity.

But it’s not a pyramid scheme

Pyramid scheme meme“But its not a pyramid scheme” they will claim. “Its a legitimate business opportunity.”

“This incredible life changing offer expires in an hour and is only open to the first 3 people who contact me.” I’m sorry but I’ve never heard of any legitimate life changing business opportunity so amazingly brilliant that it expires in an hour.

Then they hit you with the big sell, “Just four easy payments of $50 to get started.”

You see, that’s the problem with a pyramid scheme, its a fucking pyramid; there are a couple of people at the top earning the money and then for every level you go down, the number of people involved increases tenfold.

Instead of supplying any real product or investment from which profit is made, instead it relies on sleezy, unethical hype tactics. The only money that is made doesn’t come from selling the product but from selling the business on to other people for an entry fee and the only real way to make any money. From then on you take a cut of everybody else recruited below you

It’s illegal, its stupid, the only people making money are the few at the top, and eventually it will collapse.

#Motivation #TakeControl #SeeTheLight

Then they start taking their bullshit to the next level, ranting about how fucking spiritual and motivated they are and how they are in charge of their destiny by doing nothing more than trying to sell diet pills made from the eyelashes of Pomeranian wombats to every single person they have ever met in their life.

“I used to think like you, until I decided to open my mind and since then I haven’t looked back”

Endless motivational memes fill your newsfeed in a vague attempt to make you jealous of how in control of their lives they are, how they are a leader and the happiest they have ever been.

If you’re in any business where your only income is dependent upon how many people you recruit and how much money those people spend in the scam, then you shouldn’t be happy with your life, you should be miserable. If you’re actually able to sleep I hope you take your own motivational bullshit and choke on it in the middle of the night.

Its not a pyramid scheme it’s Network Marketing

pyramid scheme memeI guess all the negativity is why people try to avoid the word pyramid scheme, instead preferring t use the words Network Marketing. Because networks are fun social things that everybody has, especially in the age of social media. It’s the perfect business opportunity right?

Well yes its the perfect business opportunity if you like to piss of your networks by constantly stalking them and harassing them to buy your overpriced essential oils squeezed from the pores of virgins, acai berry herbal muscle building supplements, or horse excrement that will remove eyelid wrinkles overnight.

The trouble is that if you take part in this, pretty soon you won’t have any networks or friends left as they all block your annoying ass. I’ve had to block people on my Facebook because I was getting sick of them pushing their crap in my face every time I logged on. I’d rather see photos of your cat sleeping, and I hate seeing photos of your cat sleeping.

The other day I unfriended somebody who was selling dildos. Seriously. Selling dildos on Facebook. Well, she wasn’t selling them so much as selling the opportunity to invite her around to your house so she could sell dildos to you and 10 of your best friends.

I understand that we live in a capitalist free market economy but how bad does your life have to be for you to resort to selling sex toys to your closest friends and family via Facebook. Could you honestly imagine sitting there with the closest members of your family discussing anal beads and vibrators? Because apparently it’s perfectly fine to do through social media.

You know what… I miss the days when scams were nothing more than an email from my long lost millionaire uncle in Kenya. Because at least then I could straight up tell them to fuck off.

(Don’t even get me started on the countless pyramid schemes in the blogging world… that’s a whole other post)

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

1 COMMENT

  1. Everything about this post is good! I’ve been talking a lot lately with people about the very same thing! I’d love to do a co-post with you if you’re keen! Check out my stuff on my blog and I’ve got some stuff up on The Huffington Post. Look forward to hearing from you!

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