If I wanted deconstructed food I wouldn’t have gone to a restaurant

When did paying a stupid amount of money for unfinished food with a stupid name become a thing?

Apparenty this is a deconstructed taco - Twitter @farrellferal
Apparenty this is a deconstructed taco - Twitter @farrellferal

The other day I caught up with some friends for lunch. We visited one of those burger places that you never stop hearing about on social media – It was one of those places that when you go there you need to drop a humble-brag ‘check in’ on Facebook to show everyone that you’re undoubtedly cooler than them.

Imagine then, my disappointment when upon ordering a hamburger and expecting a piece of meat in between some salad and a couple halves of bread roll, I actually received a piece of meat sitting on a plate with a bread roll and some salad in a little container with a squirt of sauce next to it.

If I wanted to construct my own burger from the basic ingredients I would have bought one of those microwaveable ones in a box from the supermarket instead of paying good money for the worlds laziest chef to not make me a burger.

When did paying a stupid amount of money for unfinished food with a stupid name become a thing?

DDeconstructed Omletteespite the fact that you’ve tried to give it a cool name, you aren’t actually deconstructing anything. In order to deconstruct something, it needs to have been constructed it in the first place. Sticking the raw elements of something on a plate is just not finishing it then expecting me to finish it for you.

If you went to a mechanic and they gave you a deconstructed car back, you would be fuming because your car wouldn’t work. Well guess what? My food doesn’t work when its deconstructed either.

Deconstructed PizzaIt gets worse though, because in the never-ending battle for hipsters to out-hipster themselves, there are now places that serve deconstructed coffee. Yes, you read that correctly – they literally give you some boiling water and beans to make coffee yourself the same as you would do at home, except they charge you the Gross Domestic Product of a small country for the privilege of doing it whilst surrounded by people wearing silly beards and pants that are 7 sizes too small.

I understand that it’s a competitive market and places are always looking for that next “edgy” thing, but turning coffee into a science experiment is just stupid.

Going out to a café or restaurant is supposed to be an experience, it’s supposed to be something special. In its simplest form it’s supposed to be something quick and easy where you can get what you want without having to do it yourself. Deconstructing my food and expecting to assemble it myself is neither of those things.

I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.