Now I love sci-fi movies, I love space movies, and I love explosions as much as the next testosterone-fuelled male, but Armageddon is just taking the piss. It is a movie where science and common sense went to die.
It’s a movie where the laws of physics – and the laws of common sense – do not apply. It’s piled so high with clichés, conflict and improbable situations that it is quite possibly the stupidest movie plot ever written.
The movie starts off with meteors falling to earth destroying buildings in the most Michael Bay way possible. Stupidly big explosions. Plus there is a scene where the twin towers are burning so maybe Michael Bay is a actually some kind of gypsy fortune-teller.
Interspersed with scenes of people looking thoughtfully into the sky, which according to Hollywood seems to be the only thing people do when an asteroid is falling to earth.
Suddenly we realise that a meteor the size of Texas is heading our way and will hit the earth in a matter of days. How the managed to miss this up until this point is just one of a thousand plot holes in Armageddon. Some guys from NASA decide that the best possible solution is to drill a massive hole through the rock to split it into two and divert it around the planet.
Now NASA employs some of the smartest people in the world, but somebody must have fucked up because somehow they’ve ended up with Billy Bob Thornton in a management position.
The best possible solution their collective genius can think of is not to train some experienced astronauts to drill into a rock, but to train a group of oil drillers to go into space and complete the job… all because Bruce Willis said so and Billy Bob agreed.
Literally anybody could drill a hole into a rock with a few hours of training, so the idea that its easier to train hole drillers to become astronauts is easier than training astronauts to drill a hole is completely insane. It takes years of training not 12 days and a 45 minute training sequence.
Less than 24 hours earlier they were all together drilling for liquid gold in the middle of the South China Sea and Ben Affleck was fired. Somehow they’ve traveled to all corners of the globe faster than the speed of light and Affleck has opened his own oil-drilling business quicker than Enron could knock together a dodgy financial statement.
I’m not going to go too much into the plot because I feel stupider every second that I type it. Their space adventure starts with the shuttle hooking up to a space station with a gas pump (because that exists right?). Then we have asteroid collisions, crashes, standoffs, gunshots, things that don’t work, more crashes, more things that don’t work infighting, convenient gravity, and a bomb with a convenient red digital countdown timer obviously put there for the interested onlookers who happen to be standing nearby.
The bomb needs to be disarmed by picking the correct wire whilst we all just conveniently ignore the fact that its it’s a military nuclear device not a terrorist device built in a garage. To top it all off there is the standard engine that won’t start until the last possible moment.
In amongst the tiring quick edits and extreme patriotism, time stands still for the obligatory world-is-about-to-end-but-I’m-gonna-pause-to-make-an-overly-dramatic-speech moment thrown in there as well. It is quite literally the only point in the movie that wasn’t yelled.
Lets not forget the literal cherry on the cake, Steven Tyler from Aerosmith sings a love song whilst we’re watching his daughter is getting it on with Ben Affleck and some animal crackers. Perhaps its all part of his ploy to distract the audience from watching as instead they frantically search for a sharp object to stab into their eardrums.
Ironically, the song is called “I don’t want to miss a thing.”
I wish I’d missed everything.